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Love's Remains

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[30 Mar 2005|11:37am]

I've been away for a long time. I can't seem to face what I've done and how I feel. I've made a mistake but if I don't keep up the act...too many people will get hurt.
Is anyone still out there?
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The stars in the sky, they still remind me of you [06 Jan 2005|06:09pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Nobody should careCollapse )

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[14 Oct 2003|07:04pm]

Today is your birthday.
I can't physically give you a present. I can't even call to tell you 'Happy Birthday'.
But I can send my love to you on the wind. I never lied when I said I'd love you forever. You
captured my heart when I was just 16 years old.
You carried it around with you for two years and didn't even know it.
When you realized you had it, everything was wonderful. But I'm not sure what happened. You took this
treasure - this beating heart and broke it.
I might be able to move on if I were able to pick up those broken pieces with my broom and dustpan.
Over the years I would have been able to glue it back together.
But I don't have those broken pieces. You keep the remains and take them with you everywhere you go.
My heart meets the people you meet. Loves the people you love and continues to beat as best it can in
adoration of you.
I'm not putting you on a pedestal. I haven't forgotten the bad, but I choose to celebrate the good
which most of our time was.
I don't find fulfillment in you but if perchance one day...
I can tell you just how much I love you and have for all these years - everything might be alright.
Maybe on that day you can hand my heart back to me. Or wouldn't it be grand if you chose to keep it
and treasure it once again?

I miss you. Is there anything in the world I could give to be able to tell you that?
Happy Birthday. You are the love of my life. Now if only I had been yours...
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lifeless after death (the truth of it) this is my omega [05 Sep 2003|11:14pm]

I wish people understood what has been going on inside of me.What it feels like to not want to live... even when you were just 5-6 years old. I always had nothing in my life that mattered at all. I've always felt TOTALLY out of place. Not with just a majority of people but EVERYONE. I was an outcast even to the outcasts. People have came into my life and stayed around for a while... but for the most part i would have rather kept to myself because I just didn't feel right around any of them. Had a spell of early highschool 'puppy-love', I don't even know why really when I look back. I've never felt right around her either. Some of you think I probably enjoy this but I really don't. It's been a very cold and painful road to walk all alone. Then one winter night, Im laying in my room with a sigh. There's a knock at the front door. The mom called to me, said it was for me. I drag this souless mess to the frontdoor and open it up. And... *lowers head* I literally fell in complete and total love with this beautiful stranger. I started to tremble in fear. I mean I could hardly look her in the eyes for a few minutes. But... We connected. And when im with her I am a different me. A totally complete, content happy little me. She quickly..if not instantly became my greatest friend and my world. Another good thing about her? When I was with her, I wanted to live. For the very first time in my fucking life I wanted to wake up the next day. And I wanted to see her. I wanted/want to be everything to her. Her best friend, her love. everything. I was truly complete in every sense of the word. That sound's beautiful doesn't it? wonderful? long story short...She's gone. And I have been lost ever since. Dead inside. I had my "heaven", my everything. And without her at all, I am in hell. Everything is the opposite (back to the grim norm). I go to sleep and cry almost every night and hope I never wake the next morning. Wishing I could just put a bullet in my head. The thing is the only thing that keeps me alive is hoping to speak to her again, hopefully see her.to protect her. comfort her. For her to be a part of my life in someway, someday. And as time goes by I get more cold and distant from everyone. I don't really care to eat. i surely do not want friends. I sleep thru the days. pop pills here and there. Wake up.. miss her.GodDAMN I miss her.
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[05 Aug 2003|01:47am]

confusion is a real bitch.. my gf has suggested we take a "break" from this relationship, as she's confused right now as to us and her feelings. yet it's not like she's not feeling anything towards it all. she's feeling extremely guilty for this and has apologized many times. i'm not sure what to either believe or think. i love her with all my heart but she has the ability to just go with lustful, probable, thoughts. i dont know. perhaps she just needs time. that's optmism for you. all i know is i love her and it hurts, but i have hope for the future.
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Song sung blue [03 Aug 2003|07:27pm]

As I sit down to write this song

I am lost for words.

So much to say to someone

Who left my heart in pieces.

The exit sign's red lighted glare

Is the only warmth I can find.

I've hated the fact that I can still love you.
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What if? [23 Jul 2003|11:51pm]

[ mood | exanimate ]

It's possible I've stopped learning things. I keep repeating the same old mistakes, and I need to stop. I know I do it, but often too late....

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la la la la I'm goin' home [15 May 2003|03:36pm]

This was in her "journal" today.

Last night, my husband and I started a project we've been talking about for a long time. We wanted to do some landscaping and planting in the front yard, and after buying some flowers and mulch, we dugin...literally. The only problem was this; we started too late and darkness fell before we were able to finish the section we were working on. But,we pressed on anyway. We were the people in the line at Wal-Mart buying topsoil at 9:30, and we were the crazy individuals digging around outside using what little light came from our porch light and the headlights of Dan's truck. You know, it's awfully hard to garden in the dark.

So what have we learned from this? In love. They are completely in love. Not only did she catch my man's eye while we were dating, she married him and now they garden together.
And I pathetically search her journal for any information about his life now.
I mope, they garden, I die.
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[13 Mar 2003|03:53pm]
things that remind me of him (who shall henceforth be referred to as theboy):

---the taste/smell of tim horton's french vanilla cappucino
---that lame-ass cheese whiz commercial, with the tennis streaker ("you know you waaaant it")
---"lose yourself" by eminem
---that stupid song "strokin'", which i absolutely hate
---any and all little red cars
---anything having to do with snoopy. or garfield.
---scrambled eggs. just because he makes them so veryvery well.
---coors light commercials

there are other things too ---- mainly the lyrics of countless songs ---- that don't necessarily remind me of him, but they remind me of the way i feel when i'm with him.

sometimes i could really hate him for having this effect on me.
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After The Beginning [13 Mar 2003|10:03am]

Daniel eventually broke up with Linda and in the short time he was single we continued to spend time together. One of the best memories was when he asked me to sit next to him on a ride at the amusement park so many years ago.
Soon after though he began dating another girl - I have no idea who she was other than a rebound.
So I waited through another girlfriend for that man!
Finally he realized she was no good and called it quits.
Then came the beach and my favorite secret.
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[12 Mar 2003|01:10pm]
Well, I joined this community a couple of weeks ago, but have yet to post an entry. I think it's because, while I think this place is just what I need, it's hard to put everything that's happened over the past year and a half into proper words.

Last year, during my last year in university, one of my roommates "introduced" me to one of her old friends from high school. (I say "introduced" in quotation marks because at first we only talked on the phone, since we lived in different towns an hour apart).

Anyway, on Thursday, November 29, 2001, I had my first conversation with him. We talked for over six hours, about anything and everything. Maybe it was the fact that we weren't face to face that made it easier for us to converse, I don't know. In any case, it was a completely different conversation than any other I had ever had.

We met in person, finally, on February 22, 2002. And the minute I saw him, I fell head over heels in love with him. To be perfectly honest, I suppose I fell for him long before that, but the sight of him cemented the whole thing.

Fast forward to May, when I went home (a place 1,500 miles away from him). By this time, I had collected over 400 emails from him, and clocked countless hours on the phone with him.

Over the summer, we emailed back and forth every day, and talked on AIM nearly every night. When my aunt died in June, his was the number I called when I couldn't talk to anyone else.

In September, I moved to the city where he lived. In my mind, I told myself that I was moving there to make a new start ---- but I think that I (as well as most of my family) knew that I was really going there to be near him.

Since September, we have gotten to know each other even better, to the point where I think we could safely be called each other's best friend. But the only problem is, I'm still in love with him, and I don't think the feeling is returned.

This past Saturday, I poured my heart out in a letter and gave it to him. I know that's not the perfect way to do it, but it's the only way I could think of that would guarantee that everything would get said.

I haven't gotten a response yet. He's out of town at the moment, visiting relatives for spring break, and I am on pins and needles waiting for him to get back. There is on;y a month left before I go home again for the summer, and I cannot imagine yet another summer going by without knowing, once and for all, what he feels for me (if that is anything).

I joined this community because I feel like there is no one who really understands how I feel about this. Of course, I have talked endlessly about this to anyone who will listen, but I feel as though everyone is getting tired of hearing about it. So I thought this would be the perfect place for me.

Hi. Nice to meet you all.
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A List [07 Mar 2003|03:09pm]

[ mood | tired ]

Things I Can Do:

1. Remember mostly only the good times.
2. Remember the way you kissed.
3. Wish I was her.
4. Still love you.

Things I Can't Do:

1. Listen to any Hootie & The Blowfish song without thinking of you. Same goes for Trisha Yearwood & Donna Lewis.
2. Remember your middle name or the great way you smelled.
3. Believe that you really lied that night at my apartment.
4. Go a whole day without thinking about you.

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The Very Beginning [27 Feb 2003|08:58am]

[ mood | blank ]

I know none of you know who I am, but it's important for me to keep this private. Private in regards to my friends and family. I have a close friend with whom I've shared some of my feelings but I could quickly sense that she had the "get over it, move on" attitude. She also wouldn't condone some of the things I'm doing. I am also married and the obsessing over my past isn't healthy for my marriage I know that. But it's been years and I haven't gotten over it. I am the good girl that you all know. I'm the one who does things right and stays out of trouble. I'm the one who doesn't have issues in her marriage. On the outside. At this point in my life keeping up appearances is vital so I ask that if you do find out who I am (through my other journal or what have you) please be respectful of my situation.

My story is basically, fell in love, got dumped, got married, still in love with the former who is also now married, and happy, and he doesn’t think of me at all, and yet here I am torturing myself.

I was in high school and my best friend at the time (Kay) attended another area school, she quickly made friends with a group of people of which included Daniel. He was in a serious relationship with another girl at the time. Kay would have pictures of Daniel and his lady in her room. I would stare at them, at him. I wondered if I’d ever meet this guy. I would sneak glances at one picture in particular anytime Kay left the room.

Then one day it happened.

I always spent Thanksgiving with Kay and her family. My senior year of high school was no different. Right after we had finished eating, Daniel called to see if Kay wanted to go play basketball (not knowing I was there). She asked me if I wanted to go, I said “yes” and she told Daniel that I would be coming along.
Shortly after, Daniel, his best friend, and his brother picked us up in his van. We played basketball for awhile and then went back to Daniel’s house for refreshments.
I met his mom and dad. His mom (whom I absolutely adore) gave me a great big hug upon our initial meeting. I was so overjoyed, sad at the same time because he had a steady girlfriend.

So began a year and a half of waiting.

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[26 Feb 2003|07:22pm]

A love lost... though not in the same manner as most.

Mine was taken from me...he was killed. I held him in my arms as he died.

My friend, my teacher and my lover...

And I tell myself that I have to let go, but I can't. I put it away every now and then...but his face is as clear in my mind as it was the last time I saw him.

People don't understand...they can't comprehend the bond that was there...that it was love, that love is eternal.

Perhaps, someone here can??
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[26 Feb 2003|01:58pm]

[ mood | cranky ]

Its been five years.

Five years since I fell in love. And five years since I was able to be loved in return. It's a long story, and I won't tell it all. No one needs to hear that much.

It hurts now to try to even think about him. Life without him is chaos. So now I just sit, and wait. Wait for something that's never going to be.

They say its better to love and be lost..than to never love again.

They're wrong.

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Bound To Rise Again [26 Feb 2003|01:16pm]

There is a lot to be said. I've searched over and over and I know that at this point there is no one in my life that can share this burden with me.
I'm going to do my best to be absolutely candid and I need to be. But is it an attribute or my downfall that I always hold something back? I will always have a few secrets that will never make it out of the deep.

Here lies love, the remains of something beautiful are now ashes. I've tried to discard them, turn around, walk away. But I always come back to this uneasy garden and pick them up again.
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