Nothing (solarspider) wrote in love_lies_here,

lifeless after death (the truth of it) this is my omega

I wish people understood what has been going on inside of me.What it feels like to not want to live... even when you were just 5-6 years old. I always had nothing in my life that mattered at all. I've always felt TOTALLY out of place. Not with just a majority of people but EVERYONE. I was an outcast even to the outcasts. People have came into my life and stayed around for a while... but for the most part i would have rather kept to myself because I just didn't feel right around any of them. Had a spell of early highschool 'puppy-love', I don't even know why really when I look back. I've never felt right around her either. Some of you think I probably enjoy this but I really don't. It's been a very cold and painful road to walk all alone. Then one winter night, Im laying in my room with a sigh. There's a knock at the front door. The mom called to me, said it was for me. I drag this souless mess to the frontdoor and open it up. And... *lowers head* I literally fell in complete and total love with this beautiful stranger. I started to tremble in fear. I mean I could hardly look her in the eyes for a few minutes. But... We connected. And when im with her I am a different me. A totally complete, content happy little me. She quickly..if not instantly became my greatest friend and my world. Another good thing about her? When I was with her, I wanted to live. For the very first time in my fucking life I wanted to wake up the next day. And I wanted to see her. I wanted/want to be everything to her. Her best friend, her love. everything. I was truly complete in every sense of the word. That sound's beautiful doesn't it? wonderful? long story short...She's gone. And I have been lost ever since. Dead inside. I had my "heaven", my everything. And without her at all, I am in hell. Everything is the opposite (back to the grim norm). I go to sleep and cry almost every night and hope I never wake the next morning. Wishing I could just put a bullet in my head. The thing is the only thing that keeps me alive is hoping to speak to her again, hopefully see protect her. comfort her. For her to be a part of my life in someway, someday. And as time goes by I get more cold and distant from everyone. I don't really care to eat. i surely do not want friends. I sleep thru the days. pop pills here and there. Wake up.. miss her.GodDAMN I miss her.
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