We would have been together 7 months today, hence the "would have been". He was my first love and my first kiss. It's been a month and now I sit here asking myself why I can't move on, he certainly did. The few people I know that have tried to help me move on, don't understand for most of them have never been as in love with someone as I was inlove with him. I never liked how many of his suicidal tendencies he had while we were together and they put many scars on my heart. He lives 3,000 miles away, long distance. I still say, "Fuck those people who say that long distance doesn't work" sometimes it does, and this time I wished it had. I was happy, he seemed happier than he had been, but he kept getting so depressed. I never wanted him to die, I still don't. Anyways, we're no longer together, and it hurts, I don't like it.
You see; I always get depressed, I'm not that happy person I was a month ago, I've changed. No, it's not for the better. I've cried every way I know there is, and I've hurt more than I've ever hurt in a long time. He and I talk still, we're still friends, he doesn't love me anymore. He has a new girl friend, he loves her. Every memory, conversation, feeling, everything I figured he'd foget by now. Three nights ago however, we were talking on the phone, he was helping me, trying to cheer me up without knowing why I was so upset. He told me this, "All the memories we've ever had kelli, I've never forgotten" tears whelled up in my eyes, ran down my cheeks, no he mustn't hear my crying, no no no. He doesn't love me anymore, why does he bring up the past, it just hurts me more. Tears, god, I hate crying, I used to love it because it was rare, but a month or so of crying gets old. I want so badly to just crawl into his lap, cry on his shoulder, and know he's still here for me, even though he isn't. I hate how I get upset or annoyed when he doesn't talk to me online, doesn't call like he used too, My heart just doesn't understand that it's over. My brain gets it, but my heart and my tears seem to think other wise. He's suicidal still, and it hurts me still. I don't want him to die, damn it I dont. I don't want to live without the knowlege that he's alive, his heart, beating. He gets high to forget, that still upsets me, I get so worried about him. Someone just shoot me; or I'll do it for you.
I hate how they say I'm better off, that I can do better with someone else, that there is someone else out there, ect. ect. ect. Their WRONG I don't care if there is someone else, I dont want anyone but him. I love him damn it, I love him. Don't they see that? Doesnt.. Doesn't he?
No, because I'm not going to tell him.
I've tried moving on, it doesnt work. Death, might be the easy answer. Not that he'd notice anyways.